Let’s talk about relationships: we want someone to lean on, not someone we have to clutch for dear life. In a healthy relationship, you can count on each other, but you’re also able to stand alone without crumbling to pieces. This is what we call interdependence. It’s the perfect balance of having support without thinking your world’s going to end if your partner so much as goes away for the weekend.
A bit of a red flag here is the classic line: “I can’t live without you.” It sounds romantic—until you realise it implies you’re only a half person. Phrases like “my other half” or “you complete me” make it sound like we’re missing pieces without someone else to fill the gaps. The truth? Each of us is already a complete person (yes, even on those days when we can barely function without coffee).
When we lean too hard on someone, it can feel a bit like being trapped. If you believe you couldn’t survive without your partner, ask yourself why. It doesn’t mean you’re weak; it just means that, for one reason or another, you might’ve slipped into the habit of over-relying on someone. And who could blame you? Society’s been shouting that “true love” means being totally wrapped up in each other. But it’s far healthier (and less claustrophobic) if both people are whole on their own. That way, you’re in it for love—not because you’re terrified of being single.
As I always say, a partner should be dependable, not something you’re dependent on. If you can say, “I love having you in my life, but I’m perfectly fine solo too,” it’s a sign of real strength. And, funny enough, this approach makes for a much better relationship. When both people feel free, they get to grow together, not just cling to each other for dear life.
Knowing Your Needs and Roles: Finding Emotional Independence
Let’s face it: no one person can give us everything we need. It’s a bit much to expect one person to be the friend, therapist, party planner, motivator, and life coach. Instead, let’s look at each of our relationships as bringing something unique. For instance, my partner gives me stability (even if he can’t find his keys half the time), my best friend brings deep conversations (and endless laughs), my dad gives advice (that I sometimes follow), and another close friend provides pure fun and joy. And if I’m looking for serious life advice, I’m not going to turn to my “fun” friend who probably thinks “f*ck it” is sound financial wisdom.
Knowing what each person brings to your life takes pressure off your partner to be everything. And here’s the kicker: it’s also essential to meet some of these needs yourself because, frankly, other people aren’t always available on demand. It’s not that they don’t care, it’s just that everyone’s juggling their own dramas. We all have our own priorities, and making sure we’re okay emotionally means we don’t need to chase down others to make us feel better.
So how do we start knowing what we actually need? It starts with understanding your emotions, even the ones you’d rather pretend aren’t there. For example, when we feel something strong (like the urge to snap at someone who just said something mildly annoying), we often try to ignore it or distract ourselves. Instead, why not take a moment to pause and figure it out? Ask yourself: “What am I actually feeling here?” (Besides annoyance, obviously.) You can even use an “emotion wheel,” which is a surprisingly helpful tool that gives you more precise names for feelings (who knew there were so many ways to describe “fed up”?). When we understand our emotions better, we become better at soothing ourselves—without needing someone else to do it for us.
Personally, learning how to manage my emotions has made me a much better partner. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not walking around in a constant state of zen, but I do know how to recognise what I’m feeling and explain it. And I can tell my partner when I need a bit of support, which takes the pressure off him to play the mind-reading game. Funny enough, this has actually helped him open up and understand his own emotions better too. Without even trying, I’ve managed to pass on some of these skills, and our relationship is so much better for it.
Communication and Encouraging Growth Together
When we get the hang of this emotional independence thing, it’s much easier to communicate honestly. By saying, “Hey, this is what I’m feeling right now,” we’re not dumping responsibility onto our partner, we’re just sharing and asking for support if they’re up for it. This approach builds a solid sense of trust, and it also invites them to open up more without worrying about “fixing” everything.
It’s perfectly okay to tell your partner, “I’m here for you, and I’d love your support too, but we’re both responsible for ourselves.” It’s a way of saying, “Hey, we’re not here to be each other’s unpaid therapists—we’re here to love and grow together.” This takes the pressure off both people and allows you to actually enjoy each other’s company, rather than seeing the relationship as a round-the-clock job.
Think of it like this: a relationship should feel like a team, not an assignment. If you want to help your partner feel more comfortable opening up, the best way is to lead by example. When you’re open about your own feelings, they may feel more comfortable sharing theirs too. It turns out that showing you don’t expect them to “fix” things makes them more likely to be there when you genuinely need support. This has been my experience – my own work in understanding my feelings has (without me even realising it) encouraged my partner to feel comfortable doing the same. No lectures, no therapy sessions, just being open.
In a relationship where both people feel accepted as they are, there’s room for growth without the pressure to be perfect. Knowing that you’re not responsible for fulfilling every need of each other takes a huge weight off. When we have a range of people in our lives who bring different strengths, we’re less likely to feel burnt out. And, maybe best of all, we’re free to love each other for exactly who we are.