We’ve all been there: you say something to someone, and their reaction takes you by surprise. They might say, “You hurt me when you said that,” leaving you feeling guilty. But, what if their hurt actually comes from their own thoughts, not your actions?
It can be easy to think that you’re responsible for how others feel, especially when their emotions seem so connected to something you did or said. However, emotions are personal, and they come from our thoughts and beliefs about what happens to us. For example, let’s say a friend cancels plans. It’s normal to feel hurt by this, but what actually hurts isn’t necessarily the cancellation. It’s often our internal thoughts telling us we aren’t important enough to be prioritised. Those thoughts are what spark our emotional reaction, not their cancellation.
The key here is understanding that someone else’s emotional response isn’t your fault. You can be mindful of your actions, but their feelings come from their own personal filters. Once you realise this, you can focus on your intention and be compassionate, without taking on guilt.
Setting Boundaries is Not the Same as Rejection
Setting boundaries is often mistaken for rejection. But setting a boundary isn’t about shutting someone out or saying, “I don’t care about you.” It’s about protecting your own space while also being considerate of the other person’s feelings.
I had to learn this the hard way with my mum. She was upset because I hadn’t had much time to speak with her that week. She said she was hurt and disappointed by my unavailability. At first, I felt guilty. It’s hard to see someone you love upset. But then I reminded myself that my intention wasn’t to hurt her. I wasn’t trying to reject her; I was just managing my own time and priorities. I calmly explained my reasons for being unavailable that week, and while she was still hurt, I had to accept that her hurt wasn’t my responsibility. It was tied to her expectations, not my actions.
This is what many of us struggle with when setting boundaries. We’re afraid that if we say “no” or make time for ourselves, it will seem unkind or selfish. But, in reality, boundaries are an important part of maintaining healthy relationships. If you care about someone, you’ll be willing to communicate openly with them, which is a form of kindness in itself.
When we set a boundary, we’re not rejecting the other person. We’re simply telling them what we need in that moment. Setting boundaries shows that you respect both your own needs and theirs.
Taking Responsibility for Our Emotions, Not Others’
Here’s where we need to make an important shift: we must take responsibility for our own emotions. Yes, emotions can be triggered by external events, but how we feel in response is shaped by our internal thoughts and beliefs. This means we can’t blame others for how we feel.
Take a moment to reflect on your emotional responses. If you’re feeling hurt, frustrated, or angry, ask yourself why. Is it because of someone else’s actions, or is it because of the meaning you’ve attached to those actions? Once you start becoming more aware of your thoughts, it becomes easier to separate your feelings from others’ actions.
For example, if a friend cancels on you, your first instinct might be to feel rejected. But ask yourself: what’s really happening? Is your friend’s action truly about you not being important enough, or is it your internal voice telling you that? The reality is, their cancellation isn’t an attack on you—it’s simply a situation. But your emotions are coming from the meaning you’re attaching to that situation.
This is where emotional awareness comes in. Using tools like the feelings wheel can help you identify exactly what you’re feeling, which gives you more control over your emotional responses. Once you’re aware of your feelings, you can better understand what’s triggering them. For example, you may realise that you feel angry because you believe the situation is unfair, not because the person involved is actually in the wrong.
This emotional awareness allows you to empathise with others, too. When you understand that people’s emotions are a product of their own thoughts, you can be more compassionate towards them, even if their reactions don’t align with your own. However, it’s important to remember that just because you understand someone else’s emotions, it doesn’t mean you have to take responsibility for them.