We all know that feeling of holding back in a relationship, don’t we? Saying things like, “I don’t mind,” or “Yeah, if you want,” when we’re secretly screaming “NO! I want this!” It’s like we’ve been conditioned to be the ‘easy’ one—always nodding along, not making waves, and definitely not asking for what we actually want. Heaven forbid we take up too much space.
Asking for what you want doesn’t make you selfish. It doesn’t make you demanding or high-maintenance. It makes you, well, human. And you can do this when it comes to sex too. Yep, even in those intimate, somewhat awkward moments, you are allowed to ask for what you want. Wild, right?
So, let’s talk about how to stop shrinking ourselves down and start asking for what we actually want in our relationships—sex included. It’s not about flipping a switch and becoming a new person overnight. It’s about taking small, terrifying steps toward taking up space in the world and, yes, in your relationships too.
Why Are We So Scared of Asking for What We Want?
Let’s start at the very beginning: Why are we so terrified to ask for what we want? Spoiler alert: it’s usually rooted in childhood. Remember being the “easy child” that didn’t ask for too much? You know, the one who didn’t rock the boat and definitely didn’t make demands? Oh yeah, that was me. It was like being trained to be invisible. Don’t speak up, don’t ask for too much, and don’t make anyone uncomfortable. Perfect training for never asking for what you need in an adult relationship, right?
I can tell you right now, I was excellent at this. For a long time, I convinced myself that if I asked for too much – whether it was in the bedroom or in general life – I’d be unwanted. Or worse, rejected. It’s a fear that goes deep, almost as if someone, somewhere, would say, “You’re too much, go away.” Lovely, right?
That fear doesn’t belong in the present. It’s from the past. Once I started recognising that, I was able to push through. I’d ask myself, “Am I really going to be rejected for asking my partner to make me my favourite dinner?” And shocker, the answer was always “no.” My partner wanted to make me happy—because we’re in a relationship, where we value each other.
Reclaiming Your Space (Because You Deserve It)
Okay, so now we know where the fear comes from. But how do we actually start taking up space? It sounds like a lot of effort, but it can start small—really small. Like, I remember the first time I decided to ask for what I wanted in a non-sexual situation. I wanted my favourite pizza, not the one my partner’s favourite that we’d usually buy. That’s it. I didn’t want to share his choice. And guess what? It wasn’t the end of the world.
But as I started doing that with little things, I realised I could do it with bigger things, like intimacy. When my endometriosis made sex painful, I had to step up. No more “I’m fine, don’t worry about me.” I started saying things like, “That hurts, can we try something else?” and, “This feels good—let’s keep doing that.” Sure, it was awkward at first, but it actually made things better. My partner wanted to know what worked and what didn’t. It wasn’t about being a burden. It was about being real.
And you know what? It didn’t push us apart. It brought us closer. Vulnerability doesn’t break us – it actually creates stronger connections. Who knew?
The Emotional Shift: Doing Scary Things and Feeling Empowered
Asking for what you want, especially in the bedroom, is terrifying. But you know what? Empowerment isn’t about never being scared. It’s about feeling the fear and doing it anyway! You get through that initial fear, and bam – you feel amazing. A little like a superhero.
At first, speaking up will be uncomfortable. You might worry you’re too much, or that your partner will run for the hills. But guess what? Every time you do it, it gets easier. It’s like lifting weights for your emotional muscles. Sure, it burns at first, but over time, you build strength.
It’s also important to be kind to yourself. When I started speaking up, I had to stop calling myself “difficult” or “needy.” We women have a bad habit of doing that. It’s like we’ve been trained to apologise for existing. But guess what? You’re allowed to want things. And, here’s a revolutionary thought: it doesn’t make you a burden.
Asking for what you want is about listening to yourself, too. It’s about being honest. “Is this something I really want?” Or, “Am I just trying to please someone else?” It’s totally fine to do things for others, but don’t lose yourself in the process. You need to do things for yourself, simply because you want to. It’s not selfish, it’s self-care.
Practical Steps to Start Asking for What You Want
- Acknowledge the Fear: Step one—admit you’re scared. It’s not about being brave; it’s about being honest.
- Be Kind to Yourself: You’re not “too much” for wanting something. Newsflash: Everyone has needs.
- Decide to Change: If you want to shift things, it’s time to get serious. Make the decision to start asking for what you want.
- Tell Your Support Network: Let your partner, friends, or family know you’re on this journey. Having support makes the scary bits easier.
- Start Small: Want your favourite meal instead of their choice? Ask for it. Baby steps count.
- Check In with Yourself: Is this something you really want, or are you just trying to keep the peace? It’s okay to care about others, but don’t forget about yourself.