We live in a world where people expect quick replies. Messages pop up, notifications buzz, and before you know it, you feel the pressure to respond immediately. But here’s the thing: you don’t have to. Messaging can be a brilliant way to set boundaries—not just for yourself, but for others too.
This idea really clicked for me after something my therapist said. I messaged her late one evening, apologising for the timing. Her response? “Messaging allows me to set my own boundaries around when/if I reply.” That stuck with me. It made me realise that sending a message isn’t rude; it’s respectful. You’re giving the other person control over when they respond, instead of demanding their attention right away.
The Pressure to Reply Quickly
We’ve all felt it: the ping of a message, the urge to reply instantly. But why do we feel this way? For many of us, it comes from two fears:
- The fear of being rude: We don’t want people to think we’re ignoring them.
- The fear of being ignored: Especially for women, this fear can link back to times when potential love interests ghosted us for not being “quick enough.”
This pressure isn’t entirely our fault. Think back to the days of MSN Messenger. If someone didn’t reply, you could “nudge” them—pushing your message to the front of their screen. It screamed, Pay attention to me now! Over time, technology trained us to value instant responses.
But that’s not healthy. You’re allowed to take your time. A message isn’t a demand for immediate action; it’s a tool for communication that can wait until you’re ready.
Protecting Your Time and Focus
I’ll be honest: I hate phone calls. When someone calls me in the middle of a task, it pulls me out of what I’m doing, and I struggle to get back into it. My ADHD plays a big role here, as transitions can be hard for me. But I also think many people, ADHD or not, feel this way.
That’s why I’ve made some changes to protect my time:
- No notification sounds or vibrations: I’ve turned them all off. My watch only alerts me to calls, not messages. This means I’m not constantly distracted by my phone buzzing. When I’m ready, I check my messages on my home screen and reply when it suits me.
- Clear communication with loved ones: I’ve told my friends and family, “If it’s urgent, call me. If it’s not, send a message.” This way, I know a phone call means it’s important, and I can focus on messages when I have time.
These changes have been life-changing. They’ve helped me stay present, whether I’m working or spending time with loved ones. I’m not being pulled in ten directions by every message or notification.
My parents struggled with this at first. When I was doing service-based work, they understood why I couldn’t always take calls. But when I started working for myself, they assumed I’d have more time for them. I had to have a deep conversation about why this boundary was important. I explained that if they called me out of the blue, I’d answer because I’d worry it was an emergency. I asked them to message first to check if I was free, so I wouldn’t feel anxious.
It wasn’t easy, but I stood firm. I knew this boundary would protect our relationship in the long run.
Respecting Others’ Time
One thing I’ve learned is that boundaries work both ways. Messaging gives you control, but it also respects the other person’s time. It says, “I value your priorities and don’t expect an instant response.”
Imagine if everyone did this. Instead of calling someone out of the blue, you could send a quick message first:
- “Do you have 2 minutes to chat?”
- “This isn’t urgent, but let me know when you’re free to talk.”
This small shift could change how we see communication. It moves away from demanding someone’s attention to inviting it.
But let’s be realistic. A cultural shift like this won’t happen overnight. That’s why it’s important to lead by example. When someone calls me and I’m busy, I answer with, “Is this urgent, or can I call you back?” By doing this, I’m showing them that my time is valuable—and theirs is too.
Standing firm in your boundaries often encourages others to reflect on their own actions. My parents, for example, still struggle sometimes, but they’ve come a long way. My partner and best friend, who’ve watched me grow, completely respect this boundary. They know it’s one of my “hard rules.”
When you communicate your boundaries clearly, you make it easier for others to understand and respect them. It also helps avoid feelings of rejection or confusion when your actions change.
Messaging isn’t just a tool for chatting; it’s a way to take control of your time and create healthier relationships. By turning off notifications, setting expectations with loved ones, and modelling respectful communication, you can protect your focus and feel more present in your life.
And remember: setting boundaries isn’t selfish. It’s about valuing your own needs while respecting others. As my therapist reminded me, messaging allows everyone to set their own limits—and that’s a gift, not a burden.