He is the most amazing guy, ambitious, treats me great, he is my dream guy. I messed up by asking about his ex-girlfriend. It bothers me that she is prettier than me. They dated for 3 years. I have fears like he will miss her beauty or his mum will like his ex more than me because she’s prettier. I hate that they dated; I hate that they had sex; I hate comparing myself to other girls; I hate feeling like this. I wish he dated someone ugly. How can I fix this? Plastic surgery?
(Female, 26)
Hello my darling, thank you for writing in, and for sharing so honestly with us. I think there are many of us that can empathise with you, it’s an awful feeling to think that your partner’s ex is better than you.
However, let’s really break this down, shall we…?
There are two things that I am going to work through with you. The first is your view of your boyfriend, the next is your view of yourself.
I’ve always had a habit of dating my “dream guys” or being friends with the “perfect girls”, but they’ve never lived up to that expectation in the long run. I’d really like you to think about what makes this guy your perfect boyfriend. I’m not saying you guys aren’t meant to be together. What I’m saying is that a healthy relationship doesn’t involve one person completely idolising the other.
A healthy relationship is built on mutual trust, connection, and respect. If you are idolising him, you are risking becoming his doormat, and letting him walk all over you. Be honest with yourself, he may be a great guy, but he’s not perfect. He can’t be because he’s human and none of us are perfect.
Saying this, I reckon doing this will be tough for you. Mainly because I am worried you don’t think much of yourself. When we don’t think we’re that great it’s really hard to not idolise people who show interest in us.
Your concern over the ex actually has very little to do with his ex, and is mainly about you not thinking you’re pretty, or good enough for your boyfriend. Girl, this is a flat out lie. You are absolutely good enough for him, his mum and for anyone else that comes into your life.
I know you won’t believe me right now, that’s okay. I’ve worked with hundreds of people who also didn’t believe they were good enough, till we worked together. But let me ask you something,
“When you think of your friends, and other loved ones, what is it you value about them?”
Is it their looks, or is it how they make you feel? Do you love your friends because they are all 10 out of 10s, or do you love them because they make you feel heard, loved, and connected to? Do you love your boyfriend because he’s fit, or do you love him because he treats you well, is ambitious and kind?
Honestly, your looks are the least important thing about you as a person.
And if your boyfriend disagrees with this, then he is absolutely not someone you want to be spending any more time with. However, you haven’t said anything about him mentioning looks. His ex is his ex for a reason. Regardless of whether she is conventionally prettier than you or not, he is choosing to be with you, not her. And I’m sure his mum will support whatever decision he makes, providing he is happy. That’s all most of our parents want.
My best advice would be to learn to love yourself. Make peace with your looks, and find beauty where you currently find it hard to. (Oh, and please – I’m literally begging you – please do not get cosmetic surgery because of this. I promise you’ll regret it in the future).