For most of us, trying to fit in starts as early as childhood. Whether it’s at school, with friends, or even at home, there’s a constant pressure to behave in ways that match the people around us. We shrink ourselves to avoid standing out, thinking that by doing so, we’ll finally feel accepted. But here’s the truth: you’re not meant to shrink. You’re meant to embrace who you are. Once you do, you’ll attract people who love you for that very reason, because being yourself is the best way to find your tribe.
Understanding and Challenging Norms
We’re all born into a family that has its own norms and expectations. Then, when you hit school, you’re thrust into a sea of other kids who are trying to fit in, too. Everyone’s just trying to survive their teenage years, and many of us end up doing what we think we need to fit in with the crowd. Maybe you pretend to like something you don’t, laugh at jokes that don’t land, or dress in ways that don’t feel like you. And sometimes, we follow these norms not because they actually serve us, but because we think we’re supposed to.
But here’s the kicker: some of these norms don’t actually help anyone. If we’d just accepted the norms for women’s rights or gender roles without challenging them, we’d still be living in a world where women had fewer rights and were confined to certain boxes. It took brave individuals to stand up and say, “This is not right, and I’m going to challenge it.”
Challenging these expectations isn’t just about fighting for a cause, it’s about deciding what you want to accept in your life and what you don’t. Is this norm helping you become who you really want to be, or is it just making you smaller? When you realise that you can question those social norms, it opens up the space for you to truly embrace who you are.
Get to Know Your Authentic Self
Getting to know your authentic self is not a luxury; it’s a necessity if you want to stop living for everyone else and start living for you. I spent the first 17 years of my life trying to fit in, adapting to the people around me, trying desperately to please them. I thought if I changed enough, I’d finally find the people who would accept me. But guess what? That never happened.
At 18, I met someone who I genuinely think could have been an amazing friend, but by then, I was so far removed from my authentic self that I couldn’t embrace their friendship fully. I was too busy questioning everything we did and wondering if it was “cool” enough. I sabotaged that relationship because I was too disconnected from the real me. That’s a tough pill to swallow, but it gave me the motivation to stop changing for others.
To start getting to know your authentic self, ask yourself: What makes you feel proud, happy, or excited? What makes you you? Start by looking at the things you enjoy; whether it’s a hobby, a way you dress, or a trait you love about yourself. Spend more time nurturing those things, because they are a part of your authentic self.
If you think that people won’t like those things, well, that’s not your problem. The right people will. But first, you’ve got to show up as your true self to attract them.
Break Free from Negative Habits to Find the Right People for You
Let’s talk about those negative habits, like trying to be the “easy” one or hiding parts of yourself to avoid rejection. We’re taught to shrink for others, to make ourselves more palatable, and it’s exhausting. When we change ourselves to fit others’ expectations, we often end up attracting people who only like us for the version of ourselves we created, not for who we really are.
I know this firsthand. When I was in my late teens, I ended up sabotaging friendships and relationships because I was so focused on fitting in that I couldn’t allow myself to fully connect with anyone. I thought that if I just did things the way others wanted, I’d be liked and accepted. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work. When I finally started letting go of those habits and began embracing who I actually was, the right people started to show up. They didn’t need me to change, they liked me for the things I thought I needed to hide.
To break free from these negative habits, start small. Practice speaking up for what you want, even if it’s something as simple as ordering your favourite food at a restaurant. If someone doesn’t understand or accept you, that’s okay, they’re not your people. You’re not meant to be liked by everyone, and that’s a relief.
Find the Right People by Being Authentic
Once you stop changing for others, you start attracting the people who are genuinely in alignment with who you are. This doesn’t mean you have to abandon your whole social circle or live alone in a remote cabin. It’s about recognising that not everyone will understand your authentic self, and that’s fine. The people who do, though? They’ll be worth the wait.
It’s funny how this works. I spent so much time in my younger years changing to fit in that I missed the opportunity to make deep connections with the people around me. When I started embracing who I really was – quirks, flaws, and all – people who appreciated me for those things started coming into my life. I stopped shrinking, and suddenly, I was surrounded by people who liked me for me.
The truth is, there are over a billion English speakers in the world. Surely, a few of them will like your curly hair, or your dark sense of humour, or your obsession with obscure indie films. The more you show up as yourself, the more people who truly resonate with you will gravitate toward you. And if someone doesn’t like what they see? Bye. There are plenty of people out there who will.